Rico says I should get back on Tinder / but I’m doubtful I can find a single decent picture /
where I’m not playing with my band / or sitting hand-in-anxious-hand with the girl I would project on all those unsuspecting women
I don’t think that I can stand to be the Jim to all their Pams / in a dozen interactions that last for minutes before fizzling
And getting drunk and swiping left / feels like ten thousand little deaths by a writer killing characters whose plots were just beginning
So listen here / I’m going home / and drinking Yuengling by the case while watching Mad Men all alone / ‘cause it’s a show she wouldn’t like much anyway / anyway
Chris Dubrow says my self-sabotage is lazy / so caught up on the ending that I bail quick and get out safely
Like pulling books off of the shelves / reading the last page and saying “oh well, / that’s not what I want so I’ll leave the store and spend no money”
But tramps like me, I was born to run / not towards a better place but from everything and everyone / and it’s one thing to feel that way at the start / but that plot is wearing thin and everybody loves a good redemption arc
So listen here / if my life was on TV / 13 episodes of a sad boy on Twitter in his PJs / that’s a show I wouldn’t like much anyway / so I’m gonna try to write a better script each day / till I’m canceled or till I win all of the Emmys /
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